2003-2004 Cast & Crew

Randy Xu '04 (Executive Producer and Creator)

Director, Writer, Crew, Editor, Actor, Webmaster
HRTV Managing Editor and Treasurer

Randy Xu (website) is a senior living in Pforzheimer House, where he is proudly upholding the long heritage of the Belltower suite. A slashdotting Computer Science major at heart, Randy feigns interest in the far more lucrative field of "public policy". Currently living in Simi Valley, he was born in Shangdong in mainland China. A convert to our democratic discourse, Randy is now a citizen. Yes, Randy is as American as apple pie, Gilligan's Island, and exporting manufacturing jobs abroad.
Jay Pendse '04
Head Writer, Actor

Jay Pendse became the head writer of Slightly Above Average due to reasons which for the sake of national security must remain sealed for the next 75 years. Mr. Pendse is most famous - or infamous - for his invention of the converse and the contrapositive; his subtle manipulation of patent laws has allowed him to live decadently ever since, with his state-sanctioned harem (thanks to his even more subtle manipulation of Massachusetts law). Witnessing the intellectual developments of the past several millennia, he learned to disdain the narrow-minded obsession with "moral consistency", most notably under Immanuel Kant. Jay makes sure that everything he says is a lie - evening admitting this openly. As a child, Jay dreamed of eventually writing for a sketch comedy show. It would be years before his lucky break. In the meanwhile he attempted and achieved nirvana.
Lori Hammer '07
Writer, Executive Co-Producer, Actress, Crew

Lori Hammer is a freshman in Hollis North (HoNo), who plans to concentrate in something very interesting, although no one knows what that will be just yet. She spends her free time mastering air guitar, and hiding her dormmate’s underwear drawer. Ever since her accident, she has adapted well to life with no legs. She has learned to do almost everything crawling on her arms. Whatever you do, don’t tease her about it. She bites.
Julia Cassis '06
Writer, Actress

What is it about JC? Is it the way she walks, talks, dresses? Of course not! She doesn't do any of that. The truth is that JC is an octopus, and is thus completely oblivious to your existence. But the upside is that she has eight legs, all of which look great in heels. So what is it that draws you to JC? Actually, she just has cookies in her pockets. Don't get too close, diabetes- face.
Michael Hines '04

Michael Hines is a social studies concentrator living in Pforzheimer House. At the age of seven Michael fell in love with his own voice. He is now president of Harvard-Radcliffe Chorus. A master of theatrics, he formerly served as the executive producer of the class of 2004 Freshman Musical. Before coming to Harvard, Michael directed Boston youth theater group Kid's Cabaret.
Robert Young '06
Writer, Actor

What can be said about Robert Young that won't get tossed out in court? Not much. Except that this VES concentrator from Adams House loves dogs, the steady return of 1980's video games (Super Mario Bros. Redux, Ninja Turtles redux, etc.), and gold. Loves the old Au--Atomic number 79; atomic weight 196.967; melting point 1,063.0°C; boiling point 2,966.0°C; specific gravity 19.32.
Jessica Bejamin '07
Writer, Actress

"Jess" is a freshman living in Stoughton. Soon she'll be older, and perhaps a bit taller. Jess likes to write, so much so that she'll often wake up with strange pen marks on her body. Then she'll recall that they had nothing at all to do with writing . . . In other news, Jess doesn't appreciate those who are toilet-paper-rolling incompetent. It's over, people, not under. Lastly, she would like to thank a certain sperm and egg for making her life possible - you guys are the best!
Dustin Cartwright '04

Friends and foes alike acknowledge Dustin Cartwright as the man who taught them to be utterly, always, afraid. Born in Salt Lake City, UT, he is perhaps best known for winning the Nobel Prize in Vanity for his accidental discovery and subsequent naming of the "Dustin unit", a measurement of base-pair distance in DNA molecules. (At that time, Master Cartwright demonstrated comprehensive conversion factors between the Dustin unit and all other, inelegant, commonly-used units. However, under veiled and barely plausible circumstances, all record of such conversion factors was expunged from reference volumes, museum archives, and electronic media - rendering the new unit unusable to all except, as suppressed but persistent rumors have it, a select number of high-ranking producers at HRTV.)

Proud proletariat parents of young Dustin! Presciently, they named this friend of the people after both the Norse god of thunder and the only person to ever (nearly) conquer his or her known world. Not willing to leave their portentous child's fortune to his given names alone, they even changed their family name, legally, to better emulate the wealthy and just Nevada landowners of Bonanza! (the happy - and only - exception to the rule that rich people are utterly, depravedly devoid and hateful of any notion of justice).
Steve Quinlan '04
Writer, Actor

Zach Bercu '04
Writer, Actor

Once a prisoner of the ancient Romans who had been charged with serving noodle kugel to the Emperor, had been cryogenically frozen and sent into the depths of space aboard the 3-columned space vehicle ROMVS. It was there he had been rescued and unfrozen by a group of intergalactic yeti from Pluto and made peace with them by offering a cup of matzo ball soup. The decade came when it is said that everyone listened to the music and no one wanted to admit to it (they said this of other "private" things following the 70's) and our young hero knew he had the return to Earth. Knowing that acculturation back into Earth society two millenia later would be difficult, he asked the yeti with their advanced technology to send him to the center of advanced cultural and society and make him king. Instead, they missed their mark and sent to him to Tampa, Florida, having only restored both body and memory to that of a small child. He had overestimated their abilities, not realizing that while capable of space travel, they really were just big, dumb beasts.

In an effort to misguidely seek to the truth, he had joined the ranks of psychology concentrators at Harvard. It is from there, he seeks the wisdom to become a physician in an effort to benefit humanity, seek new scientific advancements, and receive free monthly subscriptions to magazines intended for patients sitting in the waiting room. So, our story ends with the beginning of Chaucer's unwritten tale of the physician. Where one can find dragons in need of medical care or deceitful apothecaries preying on the needs of others, you'll find someone else from the pages of history. Where one can find the Slightly Above Average studio and Gamecube's with new versions of Zelda, you can find our everyday hero, Zach.
Sam Johnson '06
Writer, Actor

Sam Johnson, ne’er-do-well, scalawag, man-about-town, all-round jerk and professional "Jazzist."
Guest Stars
Larry Summers, PhD '82
2001-      : President, Harvard University
1999-2001: Secretary of the Treasury, United States
1993-1999: Recovering from self-diagnosed eating disorder
1991-1993: Chief Economist, World Bank
1983-1991: Professor of Economics, Harvard University